Saturday, March 3, 2018

Texas Bound

On a side note, revisiting my blogger account has been strange.... recognizing that I abandoned capital letters solidly for a number of years. I stabbed every grammar nazi I had encountered with the soul of e.e.cummings. Repeatedly. Writer and love child of F. Scott Fitzgerald and Lizzie Borden.
That brings us to the age old question, was Zelda crazy before she met Fitzie or was he the source of her madness. We're all born on the spectrum. Humans.
 
Human on board en route to Tejas. Yellow roses on the dashboard and wild flowers filling the holes in my soul. An audio course on sexual magic, motivational recordings from ye olde Equinox days, and hiphop records from across NorthCarolina on board for the journey.
 
One way includes a tour of Texas and an overnight with the Clinton clan in Little Rock. Another jumps off from a stop in Port Arthur, lighting a candle for Janis, then time well spent in New Orleans. Same drive time, both excellent routes. The southern loop includes a visit to Atlanta to scoop up my firstborn and check out the Georgia Guidestones for other worldly vibrations.
 
SXSW promises much and always delivers on more. I can barely wrap my mind around the website but I shall fully embody whatever prescious present I encounter there. I will isten to the music. I know to flow with the go. Use the force I shall. Journey on.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

real.eyes moment

It is a strange real.eyes.ation when you accept someone you think knows you well may not. Sometimes it is the most casual observations that show how little they really know you. It is a moment in time where you must reflect and accept what you may know, or not, about them. It is a flash of the reality beyond the veil, reminding us that we are in deed and depth unique collages of information.

I am thinking today of my adult child and working to accept his choice to live fully in the present moment and not really share his life with those who are not present. It is difficult to release the notion that if he hadn't been taken from me, against our will, repeatedly throughout his childhood that this would not be the dynamic. In my highest self, I give thanks for every word of text that arrives and cherish the occasional blessing of hearing his voice and seeing his face on a screen.

I do realize that he is part of a generation that views the world quite differently that any that precedes them. I also know that I have raised him to walk in the presence of Now and to not feel tethered by projected expectations or elements of your life that feel like obligation. I respect that he is working hard and enjoying his life. I take pride in the reality that he doesn't need me and is incredibly self-sufficient and motivated.

Sadly, for parents more than most perhaps, the reality of people moving on with their lives from whatever day-to-day connection may have once existed can be a profound human challenge. We all face it with job change, moving to a new town and break-ups of all sort. The older we grow, the more distant some folks feel from daily human contact and social or family interaction.

I find myself today, after laughing hysterically at a simple misconception expressed by my older son, feeling a tinge of remorse. My eyes are moist with a splash of loneliness for our relationship. I wish that he knew his brother and I better. I have wished that throughout his teenage years, as I have longed to know him better. My hope in expressing these thoughts to the Uverse is that in our adult relationship we will grow closer at some point. My wish is that even if we both spend our lives living in different places or traveling the globe, that we will find tools and motivations to connect often and to know the intricacies of our challenges and our joys.

Motherhood is a unique gift in our humanness, as is becoming a man. Each of you have your own unique paths of challenge and joy. We are each working against the odds of environmental impositions and a world fighting to be free. We are each navigating the dynamics of a myriad of human relationships. In the transitions of architecture in our energies, may we all find connectivity and balance.

Friday, November 18, 2016

....life goes on....

In a sudden awareness that time has passed in large quantities within this blogosphere, I am making only a few moments to check in now. 

Two years have passed since what I just read and I see another check-in a year ago. In November of 2014 I was on the front end of a manic episode that eventually encompassed two seasons. After a few months with inadequate sleep, beginning mid-October, I spent another couple of months becoming fully functional again.

In October of 2015 I was hospitalized based on another manic episode that had lasted about a week when a harsh reality broke the sleep spell and created full cognizance. By that time, it was too late. I remained hospitalized against my will and gave in to pharmaceutical experimentation in order to be released. That entire experience took almost 2 months of my life with recovery, and continues to haunt me to some extent.

In the coming year I may be more involved than I would like with a law suit against the physicians who kept me against my will, based on Medicaid for insurance and no show of external support. Although I would prefer to draw forward with no ties to that period of trauma, it is important to me to do whatever is within my power to stop the experimentation of the pharmaceutical industry on the human population. If my story can help that ongoing oppression be exposed, then I am willing to continue that conversation.

Today I am more healthy than I've been in years and have more hope for the future than I can remember holding in a decade or more. I am focused on graduate school and continuing to support the entertainment industry as called. I am applying my experience, energy and time to getting several performers, teachers and revolutionaries traveling the eastern seaboard and look to more global action by 2018. 

I am inspired by the strangest news of the past year, our recent election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America. It is a time to stay involved in the political landscape and I am more inspired than ever to work for change. I hope I can learn more about writing policy reform bills in the coming year and will be applying for the opportunity to volunteer in DC in some capacity. I encourage you to go within and ask what you can do to make your own personal contribution to the political landscape. We need all hands on deck the next two years and a mass educational movement about mid-terms and state politics.

I am off to an interview for graduate school. I am seeking a Master of Arts in Writing, so perhaps you will see me becoming more present with the blogosphere. Please check out more words at www.xinaphiles.blogspot.com and remember to collect and share your own thoughts. We are all in this together. Roll in and Rock on.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

moving along....into the future

I find it interesting that I removed a string of posts from this blog in order to begin a clean slate for what I perceived as a career opportunity that faded into the ether.  I have just republished them in an effort to release the past and any illusions still harbored. At the time, I had been very hopeful about a way to earn some family financial support by doing something that I love, writing, about something I love even more, the music business. I was titillated by the idea of working to support a label I love, with a roster I would be honored to work with, but the conversation seemed to end mid sentence and the relationship never came into existence. I still love that label and hope to someday record with some of it's talent. At the time, I was convinced to revamp the site with a more generic background and easier to read font, so after four months away and a lousy memory, it seems absolutely bland. I also spent far too long attempting to figure out what the initial post should be about and upon seeing a picture of an historical street marker from Tennessee, decided it should be an overview of my history in the business. Now the subject matter seems silly and somewhat narcissistic, but it is written.

That first entry also speaks to why I can't seem to give up this crazy business of entertainment. While it may seem like name dropping, it was meant to display a glimpse of how caught up I might be. The inhalation of stardust can be quite intoxicating. The paths I have crossed connect a trajectory of people who do it for the right reasons. The people who have affected me so profoundly with their art are the ones changing the rules of the business because they understand the power of healing that music can provide. Even through periods when I am not writing much music and barely stroking the keys or the sticks, I don't go through a day without thinking of the business. Which turns out is a great thing, since recently I have received yet more confirmation that patience and perseverance pay off. Despite much consideration in the last few years of going back to school and refocusing on a career in psychotherapy, I have continued to stay focused on my ultimate goals. This has now led me to a contract with Outlook Amusements which utilizes my communications based degree (especially that freshman diction class that obliterated my southern accent), my experience as an entertainer taught to know their audience, my training as a healer and my desires to help others through intuitive counseling. Since I wrote the somewhat whiny and fairly depressing post on my health issues in November, I have also acquired another job directly in the music business. An internship, fostered throughout 2014 by my vivacious boss, went paid beyond a living wage at the first of the year and I am now very blessed to be the administrative assistant for the Tina Terry Agency. I am incredibly grateful to be connected with an incredible roster of talent and a woman who is focused on global touring and music that matters.

Although I have found my way from homelessness to self-sufficiency in less than 4 years, it doesn't change any of the healthcare issues our nation is facing. In fact, since I wrote in November, many states are struggling due to the corporate nonsense perpetuated by Blue Cross Blue Shield and it looks like reformation is to insurance is what bailout is to banking - the next elitist ploy toward some futile attempt at the survival of the overlords.  It also doesn't change the resources available to those who need help.  Since November I have missed several more AMP events that might have encouraged my career aspirations, and served my emotional and mental health as well.  I look forward to a time when I can be more proactive, not only in my career as a performer, but also in creating innovative public services for those in need of them.

For now, I will continue to share ideas for a more balanced human paradigm and have faith that the common consciousness will eventually create a world where we meet one another's needs and support one another's growth consistently, no longer in danger of reflecting a corrupt government controlled by corporate money and fear based greed.  For now, I will work as hard as I can to overcome the challenges of our cultural shift, as well as my own personal hurdles, and allow myself to cultivate the spirit of adventure again in my life.  For now, I will hope to get out more and stay longer.  Together we can create meaningful change toward a more balanced paradigm.  Together we can heal.  Together we can grow into the species our planet deserves.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

music is medicine

Real talk.  Last night a young organization called AMP, Asheville Music Professionals, hosted a gathering at ISIS on Haywood Road.  The topic for exchange was healthcare, which is a historical issue for artists of all mediums.  In the new government format, it is supposed to be easier for folks to get medical coverage, but the reality is most folks in the entertainment industry didn't have medical coverage to begin with.  So, where do the funds come from to cover what is now a mandatory minimum of sorts, in order to participate in the existing healthcare paradigm?

I was not only looking forward to last night as a new addition to the AMP mailing list, but as a chance to discuss an issue I feel a great deal of passion for.  As someone who has been forced into the western medical paradigm for the bulk of my life, I have experienced everything from full medical coverage as a young child through college years under my parental wings, through years of calls from bill collectors after an emergency surgery as a newlywed and young mother.  For many years I let health concerns ride as I waited out 5 digits of debt from the surgery a decade earlier.  I am now blessed to have received medicaid and have therefore not been affected by the changes of the Affordable Care Act.  I believe in socialized medicine almost as much as believe in holistic and preventative healthcare.  I believe my medicaid is a godsend as I am finally able to receive routine diagnostic procedures and a few physical therapy sessions a year in case of emergency.  If I can get a recommendation from my clinician, when I finally see them later this year..... I have had to reschedule due to being late on more than one occasion.  .....if they approve chiropractic care from someone who is willing to go through the absurd amount of rigamarole the government expects to receive compensation from medicaid, and provided I can come up with the triple digits for intake, I can receive 8 or 9 adjustments in 2015.  For these affordances, I am incredibly thankful.

I am saddened by the realization that I can not write about last night's gathering because of my own sordid health issues.  It will sound ridiculous for someone who is on the public dole to desire more, but the reality is the tools that are sometimes necessary to lift people from poverty are not available.  The reason I have been late for the doctor, as well as court dates, meetings and missed entire memorial services is the reality of immobility.  The reality of driving automobiles that can kill other people.  The reality of public displays of emotion that overwhelm and cripple.  The reality of judgment and internal chaos that others are unable to define in social scenarios and other soft circumstances.

I am humbled to remember the modus operandi of the villasonican movement and disclose my own mortification about the potentials of toxic explosions in public bathrooms or the inability to get up and down stairs without asking for help.  I am sometimes immobilized by my thoughts and my fears and my horrid recollections of stolen moments or public humiliations.  I am also immobilized by seething pain in my joints and piercing accumulations of sensations that are difficult to describe.  When a kind stranger asks, "are you okay?" as you suppress the ghost of a knife or the sting of a sense memory misfire, it is difficult to know the polite way to dismiss oneself without one's own bitter judgments rising to the surface.

I have asked the system about advocates and have even found a neighbor who has volunteered to accompany me places, like last night, that I can somehow justify spending a few dollars to fit in with a social lubricant or a ginger ale and some for my friend.  Now the conundrum brings me around to the question of who helps me get through the time and energy to get past the obstacles in my doorframes.

I share these thoughts as a real outcry to think on the issues of healthcare that still loom in our culture.  I invite you to continue to discuss what some may seem as political issues to lie dormant on a battlefield smeared with the blood of our loss.  The issues burn brighter than the demons that toast our demise outside of Buncombe County.  Cheers to the death of tough love.

Answers are begged.  Solutions lie unused and experiments go undone every day.
I live alone with a child who deserves more.

Infinite gratitude goes to James Roberts, my step father, who continues to pay for my EMDR treatments every week, as 4 of the 5 therapists I have seen in the last few years have discontinued medicaid coverage.  Also, to my therapist at Hickory Nut Gap Farm who is continuing to accept medicaid, while several therapists at Horsesense continue to tangle with the system for their right to provide services to the poor.

For a final dose of real talk, in all honesty the best medicine to make me function as I continue to refuse the piles of pharmaceuticals prescribed to me, is a little red wine in the evenings, a little irish cream in my morning tea or coffee, some tobacco and the forbidden maryjane.  Obviously, however, while my medicaid has no limits to the hundreds of thousands of dollars it would spend a month to provide me with their drug of choice, I can't possibly afford the mild lubricants and pain pacifiers that are MY choice.  I am often floored by the judgement of those who have found a way to thrive in the world, less survive in the world, and say that those in poverty don't deserve these types of products.  Most people in poverty are there for reasons you can only imagine from your spoon fed media choices.  Most of the poor folks I know deserve every puff and swallow.  I haven't even mentioned the Crown Royal I have chosen to celebrate with for 25 years, nor the champagne and white wine I used to keep on stock, with organic juice and such and such and so on...... when I was a working woman who deserved such accoutrements.  I accept your judgement as you read this.  I harbour my own.

Today I shall revisit the local Buncombe resources to find out about preventing my power getting cut off tomorrow, which would spoil the produce that we collected from the blessed ABCCM (Asheville Buncombe Christian Crisis Ministry) who stocked us up with food for thought, as well as our bodies, last week.  On a higher note, we have surplus toilet paper and I am very thankful for my deodorant, my collection of hotel shampoo and some awesome handmade soap from my friend Mariah.  Mariah, you rock.  The soap you made is delightful and makes me think life is worth the living after all.

Friday, November 7, 2014

sid talks to birds

another musical story written as if t'were a song
another lack of contingents of space
that may strike a chord that went longer than seen
as it struck what is next on the lawn in between
... ... ...

he said she's an angel
i said she's the bomb
i find myself talking to spirits
whenever the stereo is on
brothers make words out of thin air
telling their stories in songs
i find myself clinging to ether
as eye script out another throng
of words and movement
that beg for more levels
of colors and wires and jazz hands... legs...
...people that see where the weight needs release
and where more friction can tame the beasts
that lurk in the shadows
along the way
as we tame the highways
and children that ride them
like seaweed that
dances in waves
inside the booth
they say sooth
what's the truth

the youth

one day in the lab and i had to ask at least one question
if not a thousand
she said rock and roll is a crazy business

marty said
welcome to the music business
you're fucked

standard ruck appeal leaves curbs
like curves in danger
rolling up my drive without an alibi
giving me a reason why
to look at you like a stranger
don't make me scream at my mama
get the fuck back in the house
because you think you recognize
my route my shout my spouse my snout
living behind an old cracked house
singing my stories in the dirty south

she talks to birds
that's the word i heard
we can all rest assured
there is not yet a way

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

sound tribe section C

Disclaimer:  I apologize in advance for run on sentences, grammatical errors and extreme opinions.  The following subject has had me in a place of exacerbated emotional anxiety for the last 36 hours.  I hope that through expressing the following thoughts and sharing ideas toward a more enlightened paradigm, we can all come to a place of understanding ourselves and our loved ones and peers more completely and unconditionally.


Despite an expressed history and love for music and the scenes that it creates, as well as the long held belief that music is the only religion I could ever be forced to choose, I am entrenched in an emotional storm that contains an air of responsibility and a sense of shame.  As I enjoyed houseguests Sunday evening, it was assumed I had already gotten word of the travesty of drugs and live music that converged at Thomas Wolfe this past Saturday night.  I was told 9 young men and women were taken to the hospital from ketamine related overdoses and that 2 were in what western medicine calls "critical condition".  The fact that Jeffrey was the first person to ever guide my eldest son on hand drums some 17 years ago, in a home I was blessed to inhabit with he, Colby Miller, Tate Erickson and Forrest Smith for my re entry to Asheville after my divorce, creates an added confusion about histories and trajectories.  A goddess called Kara was my futon neighbor, and if memory serves, Colby was also a surfer that summer.  As a sidenote, Colby went on to manage STS9 during their subsequent "rise to fame" aka paper ticketed shows in high end venues.  We were all blessed by the goodness of our friends and embarking on a shared journey that is the village so many enjoy.  The village where, this past Saturday night, ACEntertainment, Thomas Wolfe Auditorium and Sound Tribe Sector 9 made a profit off of a party where humans fell prey.

There has been much discussion on local social media political groups about the right to place blame on an overtaxed police chief who has a short staffed police force working overtime for tax dollars.  I am of the opinion a lack of cops was not the problem.  I would like responsibility to be placed on the drug dealer who sold dirty merchandise, first and foremost.  Whether this person was ultimately found and convicted is not known to me, but I am willing to bet the victims can work together to trace details back to a guilty party.  Whether "proper" civil servants deliver "proper" paperwork and follow "proper" channels or the hippie mafia ties them to a phallic symbol in the center of town and throw rotten tomatoes and eggs at him for a week, while he alternately burns up and freezes in our gorgeous rainbow of weather, I care not.  My point is that accountability is due and the police chief is hardly the problem.  Nor is the venue or the promoter's desire, or lack of desire, to pay an abundance of security or surround the place with overworked law enforcement.  That said, it seems relevant to mention that several arrests were made for misdemeanor charges of marijuana possession.  While 9 people were being taken to the hospital for pharmaceutical overdoses, the dozen cops on the premises made time to hassle and ticket patrons for possession of a joint.  A joint?!  If you are not in the know, this is a miniscule amount of herbal medicine known to relieve anxiety aka social lubricant aka sensory enhancement plant.  It was also stated, by reputable media sources at Asheville Free Media, that the patrons charged had long hair in the style of dreadlocks.  Really Asheville Police Dept??  We aren't past these stereotypes yet?  To me, this is worthy of an equal amount of shame as is due the dirty drug dealer.

Regarding prevention, which is what this worstcase scenario should inspire, I am of the opinion that law enforcement might be great for stampedes and crowd control at entryways and emergency exits, in case of fire or natural disaster, but that they have no place in the realm of free spirited individuals enjoying live music.  What has been implemented as early as the 1960s by large rock venues and artists, such as the Rolling Stones and the Grateful Dead, is an employed faction of medical professionals supported by a volunteer force qualified to assist in emergency situations around exhaustion, dehydration, crowd induced anxiety and experimental drug usage.  I have personally worked on medical teams, based on state licensure as a bodyworker and healer, for over 15 years.  I was a member of a safety team at Harmonic Convergence, a festival at local venue Deerfields where STS9 performed, in 2002.  I was hired by Colby Miller to assist with patrons who were struggling with the aforementioned issues on an around the clock basis.  We had enough members on our team that at no point in that 3 day event was there not a team of designated, sober professionals available to assist in the presentation of mental distress.  This precaution was made to protect the patrons, the venue and the reputation of the artists, who included local legends GFE and Strut.

Personally, as a performing artist, I believe that there comes with notoriety an expected level of responsibility to your fan base.  I believe this on a spiritual level, as well as on the premise of physical connectivity and appreciation for those that financially support your vision and the implementation of it.  I believe bands like the Grateful Dead and Queen set precedence by creating an environment where people could freely experiment, with the knowledge that the artists they were inspired by actually cared about their safety and the authenticity of their experience.  They showed this by implementing teams throughout their scene that provided support for the variety of alternative lifestyles that their music attracted.  In the example of the Dead, they founded protection for the newly sober through the Wharf Rats, who provided 12 step support at their events.  They also had educated factions of their entourage who served as walkabouts, serving those actively participating in experimentation with hallucinogens and alcohol.  Queen made no secrets at their live shows of their sexuality and the prolific education of their fan base around protected sex and other safety rules that kept sexual experimentation healthier than it might otherwise have been.  While these designs were in their earliest stages in the 1970s, they set a protocol for protecting one's circle, regardless of how large and infinite your circle becomes.

Using this weekend's local example at Thomas Wolfe, I would like to address the fact that STS9 is a group of grown men who have worked very hard for decades creating music that is sonically designed to heal and create growth without the use of external substances.  I have used their recordings for literally hundreds of healing sessions in my decades as a bodyworker and Reiki Master.  They are a picture or health and welness who I am sure would have stopped the show themselves and assisted in aiding their fanbase, had they had any awareness of what was happening just beyond their feet.  The Asheville Police Department stopped the show and, according to local news sources, gave the artists no immediate explanation of why.  If the lights could have been turned on, educational announcements been made, I am confident that their fan base could have come together in a process of healing and transition that would have allowed the show to go on after an interim of communication, acceptance and understanding.  This leads the next level of accountability on the local law enforcement that jumped the gun, pun intended, and without explanation.  It is also my understanding that they promoted a false media blitz about having glass bottles thrown at them.  It is my further understanding that glass bottles are neither sold at the venue, nor allowed into the venue.  This blatant discrepancy and misrepresentation of the truth is both abhorrent and unacceptable.

Finally, in the face of obviously demanded precautionary measures, this tale deserves addressing in future fashion by the entity who is responsible for putting an event together.  As a promoter, I believe in providing staff who are prepared to provide not only educational information about the recreational opportunities that might prevent themselves, but also to deal with any mental or physical situations that might arise due to either crowd manipulation or emotional triggers caught unaware by maximum levels of phenomenally enlightening music, as well as the myriad of human challenges in between.  One of the miraculous things about the power of music and the science of sound, is that there is an unknown factor that implements it's influence.  Some call it musical magic, some call it emotional freedom, some call it God.  In this example, we look to Ashley Capps.  Ashley has been a form of mental mentor to me for almost 15 years.  I first worked for him at VanHoy Farms and went on to work for him at Bonnaroo, the Orange Peel and Deerfields.  One of many events was Mountain Oasis, a prime example of another worstcase scenario where the presence of drugs outweighed the staff's ability to create a safe and nurturing environment.  I am of the opinion that part of natural protocol utilized at large scale festivals can also be applied to one off events at indoor venues.  Just because participants are in an enclosed, and seemingly safe space, we have come to a transition in our culture where predators are dominating the game.  What we don't need is more undercover cops.  What we do need is medical professionals and their support staff in bright colors, available for providing a safe and nurturing environment that fosters healthy experimentation and spiritual growth.  Music is church for many of us and in the new paradigm of humanity, more of you will come to understand the architecture that sound provides and the utopian element that music can orchestrate.  In the same way that the music industry at large places subversive controlling tones in pop music, artists like STS9 utilize the same science to create audioscapes that contradict mass media control and instead provide a soundtrack that promotes growth and healing.  Mind what you listen to, as it is the architecture of your mind.

Regarding the far reaching influence of ACEntertainment, who are the seed source of much of our local music here in Asheville, as well as the primary influence of local music in Knoxville, TN and a great many musical hubs in the southeast, I would love to see the addition of existing safety teams and medical staff to smaller venues, that they already incorporate in their larger scale events.  I would also like to see artists stepping up and playing an integral role in taking responsibility for the scene that they create.  No phishin.  Musical acts that create a scene rampant with drug use, egoic condescension and pedophilia have no place in a healthy culture.

Right here in Asheville we have a company called FLOW:  Functions Logistics Operations Works.  They provide Safety In Sound through medical and security personnel staffing, as well as waste management services, production equipment and support, gear and equipment rentals, catering and more.  With the combined experience of a staff who all have decades of individual experience, as well as personnel who are medical professionals, FLOW Event Services is reliable and wonderful to work with on a professional and personal level.  If you are a promoter or artist in our region, I encourage you to learn more about FLOW at www.floweventservices.com and consider hiring them to support your events.  Especially if you know you have a fan base that likes to experiment with external chemical influences.  There is no reason for us to stimulate already existing tensions between law enforcement and regular humans, already horrifically escalated by the soon to be defunct massively over funded federal government's "war on drugs", which we all recognize as a financially motivated war on human beings.  It is time for us to destroy the paradigm that supports a privatized prison system, the black market primarily fueled by dirty legislators and dirty law enforcement and the death toll that continues to escalate as we sit idly and wonder what will happen next.  It is time to speak out and to take a stand.  While you yourself may not participate in experimentation, nor see the medicinal value of external chemical sources like cannabis, psilocybin or ayahuasca, it is a fact that you know and care for someone who does.  It is our human responsibility to create a safe space for humanity to prosper and evolve.  Otherwise, we are allowing our species to reach extinction prematurely.

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
Namaste.  Let the music play.